Dad, I love you.

My boy is of 6 years old. And his birthday is one day before mine. Yes, he was born before my birthday and I spent my birthday in hospital that time. He was the first born and my feeling was great. I could tell that but just feel great. When I saw him, he was so tiny and quiet. One of my family said, he was so quiet and lovely. When I told him that it would be my birthday in two hours, he said, then he was the gift from the god. I had never thought that but I have to say I was hit by his words. Damn, what a lucky man to have such a great gift. I could not believe it.

He was great. Never brought me trouble and loved me more than my wife for which my wife is always jealous of. Before his 2 years old, every night, I had to sit him to bed and sleep. Then I will do my job.

As I can remember, it was his around 1 years old, a winter night. we was playing in bed. We were about to go to sleep. Then he just hold the wall, walking slowly to me, kissed me and then my wife. I looked at my wife, smiling. Before that he never did that and we never taught him. We just kissed him but I was not sure he understood that. After that he always kissed us. Even today, I have to kiss him before he goes to school or sleep.

This is not a typical Asia person. As a fucking Asia man, I was born to dumb to express love or any kind of this feeling. The only love that I can remember was from my grandma. She was a typical north woman, strong, soft-hearted. All her life with my grandpa, went through everything, the dark history, especially my grandpa was a landlord. When I was little, everything morning, she would ask me to get up with some dessert. Before my 8, she would sit to sleep me, tell me stories, teach me a lot. Her kind and gentleness is the thing I could feel at that time but could not tell at that age.

And all the men in our family are all stubborn, my grandpa, was a soldier of Republic of China you can image that. When I was a little boy, my pa always fought with my uncle. And the case is like when everything was sitting for supper, all of a sudden, the voice broke, then blaming from Pa, then words back from my uncle then fight. All of these can be could in some seconds. My dad is the youngest. He never dare to be against my Pa. But he could argue with my uncle, his brother. Well, my mother could never argue with him. Me, I was silly to know something. Just surrounded by the love from grandparents. But I could not fail any school work, or my ass would suffer. I would then like a little bird hugged by my Ma’s feather, sweeping.

When I grow up gradually, I always focused on my school, my dad tried his hard to make a living. We seldom got some deep communications. We got some natural gap. We never said some gentle words to each other. And the odd is like I grow up to become him gradually which almost killed me later. The conflict that I can not handle brought me a lot of pain.

When my mom got seriously, I had to reconsider my life, my work and everything. In my marriage, I hugged them both for my first time in my life, that year, I was 36 years old. When I hugged my dad, I just held him so tight, I heard he said, oh, shit. And a huge breath. I knew it was tight and I knew it was my intention. I just tried my best hold my tears in my eyes. But my mom could not hold it. The feeling was complicated.

When my mom passed in Feb, arriving her end of life, also suffering a lot, my dad lived alone. He refused to live with us. Even refuse to go to hospital for his heart-attack check. The last time I called him, we had a bad conversation. All I could remember was he was to impatient to chat, even sounded like irritated when I asked him. At the other side, I held my phone my tears dropped. A week later he passed away in his dream, in his 66. I never anticipated that which shocked me so much that I could not recover for a year. I could not even have a peaceful talk with him and never we had that. We never had the time to know each other well. All in my life, I said, I love you, dad. Needless to say to kiss my parents. I could never think about that.

The day before yesterday, I had a video with my boy, we talked some. He shared me some his life in school. Just at the time we drop, he said, dad, have a good night, and I love you.

Then yesterday, he said again, good night and I love you, dad. I could not help ask him, hey, man, who tought you that? He did not respond, with a confusing face and for some seconds, he dropped. My boy just makes me remember my family that passed away. My dad.

I love you, dad.